What it's like being admitted to a Mother & Baby Unit *triggering read*

 

You can see here how tired and upset I was!

It's no secret that in March this year I was sent to a Mother and Baby Unit, the closest one with beds being Nottingham. It was a few weeks after my baby Edith was born, and I was physically and mentally exhausted. It wasn't so much a traumatic birth, just unexpected as she came very early. What happened after, where we had a stay of 11 days in the NICU unit with her, was the hardest part. We heard of a baby passing away in the unit, and it really got to me.
I started to get paranoid that it would happen to Edith in her sleep or not, so I would be fixed on making sure that I didn't go to sleep as if I did she would also pass away. If I did go to sleep I was having really bad nightmares, one of them I remember being that Edith got trapped down the side of her cot, it felt so real like it actually happened that I woke up sobbing. 

After a few days of no sleep, my family also started to see me deteriorate, as it has happened three times before. So did I so for once I decided to talk to my Psychiatrist, who came round to my house, and say that I need help ASAP. They booked me a private taxi and on the way to Nottingham I went. I wasn't sectioned this time, it was voluntary. But it soon became clear from the first night there that I wasn't going to be leaving any time soon, even if I wanted to. I wanted to walk out on the first night. As always, my psychosis creeped up on me again and I started to become paranoid about the nurses and staff there, that they were going to take my baby away and poison me with medication. It was so scary at first!

They kept me with Edith but put her in the hallway in her crib where they could observe us both overnight, I was on 10 minute checks. The first night I was really hostile towards the staff, as I was getting my bearings, but also because I have had negative experiences with staff in mental health units in the past. 

After 24hrs I was allowed into the lounge (I had to isolate in a different part for 24hrs before my covid test came back negative) where other patients and their babies were. I found this daunting and stayed really quiet, but soon opened up. They showed me around, there was a kitchen where you can help yourself to breakfast but you got the rest of your meals cooked for you, and I could not fault the food I kept saying it was 5* meals. There was a sensory room for Edith, and a nursery for baths, sleeps etc. The lounge had a TV in as well as a big table for activities such as painting, knitting, colouring etc. It was the nicest mental health unit I had ever been in, and in Hull I have been in some really scary, run down places.

They helped me take care of Edith, as I was still a very new mum, but also a very new mum that was unwell enough to be in a unit. They helped with feeds, changing her, getting her to sleep and bathing her.  

In total I was there for three weeks, and allowed visits and some time at home on a weekend. My medication was reviewed as I was there and I was observed 24/7, which is when they diagnosed me with Bipolar Type 1. This didn't come as much of a shock at the time, as I have always wondered why I just got Psychosis (it is a part of a symptom of Bipolar too). But a few people I know, not naming names, do not think that I have Bipolar. And sometimes I don't think I have it either, as I can get on with day to day life most of the time really well. But when I do deteriorate, it can really impact my life and I do not want it to affect Edith. That is why I will carry on taking my medication (Lithium and Aripiprazole for now) and talking to my Mental Health nurse regularly. 

I do not know if this will happen again to me in the future, it may it may not. What I do know that because of this experience with the Nottingham Mother and Baby Unit, I feel much more confident that I am going to be okay! :)