Night time struggles and depression

It gets to the night time, when I go to bed, that I start to over think EVERYTHING!

How I am as a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister etc etc. I doubt myself so much that it even starts to upset me.

I rang the crisis number one evening last week which I was so scared to do as I'm so frightened of being sectioned again. 

But this time was different. I just want any support I can get! Especially when I'm getting recurring thoughts that I no longer want to be here anymore.

They spoke to me and calmed me down and made a plan. They also told me I can ring back any time in an evening and there is a crisis pad you can go to between 6pm and 6am for a cup of tea and a chat to a professional if needed. 

These thoughts are tricky. Because I do want to be here to be a good mum to Edith and see her grow up. And I would miss my family and friends terribly too.

But sometimes the thoughts are unbearable and it takes real strength to carry on another day with them. 

They are mainly self doubt, that I'm not good enough ever at whatever I try and do. And this is such a draining thought that doesn't seem to go, especially at night. 

But I have been diagnosed with depression now ontop of bipolar and anxiety. This feels like a very small relief, to know that there's a reason I feel this way too and there's hope that I will feel better after a month or so on an anti depressant. We shall see... 

I keep this postcard on the fridge as a little reminder each day.. 

Jodie x